it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
