hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
