I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have aggressive nipples.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
