The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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