It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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