And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
