just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You really coming over, don't trick.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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