Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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