tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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