Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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