I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
