Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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