ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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