3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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