I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
