Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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