Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
