a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
