Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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