Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
