So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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