just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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