Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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