I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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