First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
