she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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