Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
