I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dignity is for republicans.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
