Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
