Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
