i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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