people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
