Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
