How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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