You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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