Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
