I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
