i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
