im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
