i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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