bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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