I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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