Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
