She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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