I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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