It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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