Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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