Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Are we still banned from the library?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
