apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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