he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
